Thankful Eve.

This year, you know what I'm thankful for? Zoloft. Thanksgiving marks a year ago that I realized that what I was going through - the endless sobbing, the feeling like I was hanging on to my sanity by the very edges of my fingernails, the feeling like I was never going to feel "normal" or "okay" again, was not simply "the baby blues." I mean, my daughter was six weeks old. Still a newborn, but my blues were not just hormones gone awry. After my sweet husband and my best friend had mentioned to me several times that maybe, just maybe, it was time to call my doctor and ask for help, I finally did something over Thanksgiving weekend.

It's still funny to me that in modern America, taking anti-depressants is seen as fairly taboo or shameful, but the on-call doctor had no problem calling in a script for me, and when I went and met with my regular OB a few weeks later, he was like, "are you feeling better on the Zoloft? Great! Then call me if you're having problems, but if it's helping you, stay on it," like I had mentioned that I'd been taking a gummy vitamin and seeing improvements in my skin. It was completely no big deal to them.

It was a hard thing for me to admit then, I think because I didn't feel like I had typical post-partum. You hear about celebrities who felt like they weren't bonding with their baby or didn't love their baby - I never felt anything except for overwhelming, soul crushing love for my daughter. I just felt like I couldn't hack it as a mom, even while also knowing that I was doing a pretty good job of caring for a colicky newly borned. And on the medication, I just felt like I wasn't so overwhelmed or on the edge. I could handle a baby who cried all afternoon and ate for three hours straight. I mean, I gritted my teeth at times, but I didn't sob until my face swelled up. Now it's no big deal, and I'm quick to talk about it with my mom friends, especially the new ones. Because I'm not and never was some sort of catatonic zombie who didn't love her baby - I'm a lady who had a couple of risk factors for PPD (thyroid problems, c-section deliver) and who really benefited from a chemical boost for the first few months of my baby's life.

This Thanksgiving? I'm grateful for a million other things as well. For my amazing girl who is walking everywhere. Who laughs and breaks into an enormous smile after you lean in and give her a smooch. Who giggles during diaper changes because she's anticipating a big fat belly raspberry. Who gets out of the shower and does a happy buns on parade dance around our master bedroom. Who is so snuggly and sweet after her naps. I'm so glad I get to be her mom, and that she put up with me when I wasn't at my best, and who is teaching me every day how to be the best mommy I can for her.

I adore her so.